This has helped us. Perhaps it will help you.-Allen and Linda
“First let’s talk about what we don’t have power over. We have no power over the attitudes and actions of other people. We can’t make our spouse grow up. We can’t stop our spouse from exhibiting a troublesome habit or character flaw. We can’t force our spouse to come home on time for dinner, to refrain from yelling at us, or to initiate conversations with us. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, not other control. (Gal. 5:23). God himself does not exercise such power over us, even though He could. (2 Peter 3:9).
We don’t have the power to make our spouse into the person we would like him or her to be, but we don’t have the power to be the person we would like to be, either. In and of ourselves we are powerless to change such things as our short temper or our eating problem. To some extent, we all do what we have to do (Rom 7:15). It’s helpful to be aware of this powerlessness in our marriage, so we can be more understanding of our spouses’ struggle. Also, being aware of our powerlessness over ourselves can help us realize how long it may take to learn to set appropriate limits in our marriage.”
Boundaries in Marriage, Henry Cloud, p 44