I have tried everything. He won’t listen to reason. I’ve yelled and complained, paid bills, threatened to leave—nothing works”.
Of course not. This is you applying the force, and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action. The only force that can change the pattern is the pressure that builds up inside of him when the family refuses to react any longer. When he can’t count on your helping him, when you won’t assuage his guilt by fighting with him and you refuse to get him out of trouble then he’ll be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of constantly figuring out something to do about him.
It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reaction to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
“God helps those who don’t try to take over His work.”