“When we neglect setting boundaries with ourselves and focus instead on setting boundaries with those we think sorely need limits, we have limited our own spiritual growth. As in any growth process, spiritual growth proceeds to the level that we invest in it. When we only invest in changing someone else, they get the benefit of our efforts, but the important work we have to do has been neglected….
“If your spouse is…angry, irresponsible, inattentive, and self-centered, you will not grow if you continue to react to his sins. This is not seeking first God’s kingdom and righteousness (Matt.6:33); it is seeking satisfaction from another person (codependency.)
“We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s. We cannot overstate the importance of this idea. One of the most frightening facts in existence is that God will someday call us to account for our lives here on earth: ‘For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad’ (2 Cor 5:10). At that meeting we will not be able to blame, hide behind, or deflect to the sins and problems of our spouse. It will be a one-on-one conversation with God.
“Boundaries with yourself are a much bigger issue than boundaries in you marriage. In the end, while we are only partly responsible for growing our marriages, we are completely responsible to God for developing our very souls. You are responsible for half of your marriage and all of your soul. Boundaries on yourself are between you and God.”
Boundaries in Marriage, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, p65-66