“Just because someone is in pain doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is happening. Something good might be going on, such as a spouse learning to grow up. And this is the essence of the Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. Do they cause pain that leads to injury? Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?
It is unloving to set limits with a spouse to harm him. This is revenge, which is in God’s hands, not ours (Rom. 12:19) But it can be just as unloving to avoid setting a limit with your spouse because you’don’t want him to be uncomfortable. Sometimes discomfort is an opportunity for growth. You may need to confront your spouse, give him a warning, or set a consequence. Do not neglect setting limits in your marriage because of a fear of causing pain. Pain can be the best friend your relationship has ever had.”
Boundaries in Marriage, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, p52-53