Cause, Cure, Change.....

“Family and friends become codependent as their feelings and actions increasingly depend on what the addict does or doesn’t do.  Gradually, codependents lose control over their own emotions and behavior, and they deal with the addict by adapting and exhibiting the behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering. Codependency is at its strongest when loved ones become so preoccupied and worried about working out the salvation of the addict that their own salvation is neglected and jeopardized.  In the end, everyone becomes his or her own problem.  Codependents can learn to become responsible to each other, instead of for each other.  Eventually, the codependent can acknowledge that he didn’t cause the addiction, he can’t cure the addiction, and that he can’t control  the addiction.  This acknowledgment is accomplished by the codependent learning how to love the addict as God loves him.” Hold on to Hope, p 37

* The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.  “ Sometimes that sacrifice is letting go and letting God take care of our loved ones.  Love is doing what is right and sometimes that is very hard.

HE Wants You TO Succeed.....

He wants you to succeed.

My dear brothers and sisters, there will be days and nights when you feel overwhelmed, when your hearts are heavy and your heads hang down. Then, please remember, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer, is the Head of this Church. It is His gospel. He wants you to succeed. He gave His life for just this purpose. He is the Son of the living God. He has promised:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

“For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee” (3 Nephi 22:10). “I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer” (3 Nephi 22:8).

My dear friends, the Savior heals the broken heart and binds up your wounds (see Psalm 147:3). Whatever your challenges may be, wherever you live on this earth, your faithful membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the divine powers of the gospel of Jesus Christ will bless you to endure joyfully to the end.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Have We Not Reason to Rejoice?,” Ensign, Nov 2007, 18–21

What Am I Doing With The Past.....

What Am I Doing With The Past.....

What am I doing with what I have?

“What am I doing with what I have?”  This query can be applied in many ways.  Take, for instance, the faculty of being able to remember.  If I have been given the gift of a good, clear memory, how do I use it?  It is not likely that God conferred this gift on me for the purpose of dredging up old wrongs, injured feelings, futile regrets and personal sufferings.  That would clearly be a misuse of His gift, when everyone has so many pleasant and satisfying things to remember.

Today’s Reminder:  What am I doing with this precious ability to recall what happened in the past?  If I use it to remember enjoyments and interesting experiences, it will give me a saving perspective on the problems I am encountering in the here and now.  I can also use the gift of memory for storing up today’s blessings to tide me over future woes.

                                    “Let not thy thoughts dwell upon the days of thy sorrows, but rather on those which brought thee brightness and peace.”

Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. Consequences? 

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit,  F. ENZIO BUSCHE,  BYU May, 1996

The Task Ahead Of Us Is Never As Great As The Power Behind Us.

Things get worse! Things get worse with an effective strategy.  It’s true.  Expect conflict when you stop exhibiting the codependent behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering.  The addict’s behavior typically gets worse with the behaviors of self-love, unconditional-love and tough-love properly applied.  Family members and close friends will require time to adjust to the addict’s worsened behavior.  It takes both objectivity and courage to initiate effective strategies, knowing that the addict’s threats, yelling, and name calling will increase.  But be assured that the increasing tension is a sign that you are changing and likely eliminating codependent behaviors.  If you are unable to withstand the increased conflict that comes with change, don’t plan a strategy.  Go back and work on self-love and find a support resource…

Hold on to Hope, p 131, 132

The Task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us.

ONE DAY AT A TIME........

One Day At A Time

Here’s an eye-opening, mind-opening question to ask myself:  What am I doing with what I’ve got?  Instead of crying over what I don’t have, and wishing my life were different, what am I doing with what I’ve got?

Am I so sure I’m doing everything possible to make my life a success?  Am I using my capabilities well?  Do I recognize and appreciate all I have to be grateful for?

Actually I am the possessor of unlimited resources.  The more I do with them, the more they will grow, to overshadow and cancel out the difficult and painful aspects that now get so much of my attention.

Today’s Reminder:  Isn’t my life full of potential good that I’m not using?  Couldn’t I bring it to fruition by changing my attitude?  As a beginning, I will apply liberal amounts of gratitude for even my littlest advantages and pleasures.  When I build on this precious foundation of present, tangible good, things will continue to change for the better.

                        “God make me grateful for all the good things I have been taking for granted.”

Marriage, Waiting....

Someone has said that life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives. Many important things will occur in our lives that we have not planned, and not all of them will be welcome….Even our most righteous desires may elude us, or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan.

For example, we cannot be sure that we will marry as soon as we desire. A marriage that is timely in our view may be our blessing or it may not…

The timing of marriage is perhaps the best example of an extremely important event in our lives that is almost impossible to plan. Like other important mortal events that depend on the agency of others or the will and timing of the Lord, marriage cannot be anticipated or planned with certainty. We can and should work for and pray for our righteous desires, but, despite this, many will remain single well beyond their desired time for marriage.

Timing, DALLIN H. OAKS, BYU, 29 January 2002

* God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us--everything will fall into its place. “

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit,  F. ENZIO BUSCHE,  BYU May, 1996

Forgive vs., Forget.......

“Forgive vs. Forget.  Forgiving the loved one and yourself does not mean that the codependent will forget.  In most cases there are many horrible memories of what the person has done to you and what you have done to the them in the privacy of your home.  The chances of these memories quickly disappearing are not likely.  Simply said, amnesia is not part of recovery.  For example, adult children of alcoholics who were abused earlier in their lives have worked through the pain, and forgiven their parent, still have memories.  Do not measure the healing process by how much you forget, but how much you can forgive.  The healing codependent will remember the events, but having forgiven the addict and themselves, will have less emotional pain than if they had not forgiven.” (Hold On To Hope. P.  90.)

Forgive vs., Forget.......

“Forgive vs. Forget.  Forgiving the loved one and yourself does not mean that the codependent will forget.  In most cases there are many horrible memories of what the person has done to you and what you have done to the them in the privacy of your home.  The chances of these memories quickly disappearing are not likely.  Simply said, amnesia is not part of recovery.  For example, adult children of alcoholics who were abused earlier in their lives have worked through the pain, and forgiven their parent, still have memories.  Do not measure the healing process by how much you forget, but how much you can forgive.  The healing codependent will remember the events, but having forgiven the addict and themselves, will have less emotional pain than if they had not forgiven.” (Hold On To Hope. P.  90.)

YOU CAN’T BECOME WHO YOU NEED TO BE BY REMAINING WHO YOU ARE.....

Look To Yourself

One Day at a Time

LOOK TO YOURSELF.  What am I doing that creates difficulties for me or aggravates the ones I have?  Could it be that I am trying to fix everything by finding fault with somebody else?  I am encouraged to examine MY impulses, motives, actions and words.  This helps me to correct the causes of my own unease and not blame it on others.

At first, the idea that we might be at fault isn’t easy to accept.  We find it hard to believe that our behavior isn’t all it should be. 

Once I overcome the habit of justifying everything I do, and make use of such tools as courtesy, tenderness and a warm interest it others, miracles will happen.  This I know because I have seen them happen to others who tried.

            “If you cannot make yourself what you would like to be, how can you expect to have another person exactly to your wishes?  We want to see others perfect, yet our own faults go unattended.: (Thomas A’Kempis)

YOU CAN’T BECOME WHO YOU NEED TO BE BY REMAINING WHO YOU ARE.

* God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.  “

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit,  F. ENZIO BUSCHE,  BYU May, 1996

Judging.........

"Don't judge me because my sins are different from yours" !

Forgiveness.......

“When it comes to the question of our forgiving other people, it is partly the same and partly different.  It is the same because, here also, forgiving does not mean excusing.  Many people seem to think it does.  They think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that that there was really no cheating or no bullying.  But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive.  They keep on replying, “But I tell you the man broke a most solemn promise. “ Exactly: that is precisely what you have to forgive. (This doesn’t mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise.  It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart-every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.) The difference between this situation and the one in which you are asking God’s forgiveness is this.  In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people’s we do not accept them easily enough.  As regards my own sins it is a safe bet (though not a certainty) that the excuses are not really so good as I think; as regards other men’s sins against me it is a safe bet (though not a certainty) that the excuses are better than I think. One must therefore begin by attending to everything which may show that the other man was not so much to blame as we thought. But even if he is absolutely fully to blame we still have to forgive him; and even if ninety-nine percent of his apparent guilt can be explained away by really good excuses, the problem of forgiveness begins with the one percent of guilt which is left over.  To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.

This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single great injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life-to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son-how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us.”  We are offered forgiveness on no other terms.  To refuse it is to refuse God’s mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says.”

C. S. Lewis, Weight of Glory, pp. 181-183.

In Reviewing My Day......

Review our day

President Howard W. Hunter suggested reviewing our day through personal prayer: ―While communicating with our Father in Heaven, we ponder our thoughts, words, and deeds of the day and seek help in our personal progress for the morrow. The practice of reviewing the past and setting new directions for the future is a very healthy one, a scripturally encouraging one, in which we can beneficially alter our lives‖ (Howard W. Hunter, ―The Dauntless Spirit of Resolution,‖ fireside talk delivered at Brigham Young University 5 Jan. 1992).

Some possible questions we may ponder are:

 Did I pray for the Spirit to guide me?

 What am I grateful for today?

 What progress did I make?

 In what ways was I kind and loving?

 Was I able to “let go and let God”?

 Did faith or fear control my thoughts?

 Am I taking care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?

If Not Love,Hold On To Hope......

To those of you who have been through such a terrible experience  such as mine, we love you.  We pray for you and we understand.  We find you pure and guiltless before God.  We are confident that the Lord will find you without blemish, and that His love will encircle you and bring peace to your overburdened soul.  You can live without love, but you can’t live without hope.  What I am saying is that if the Lord will take a scroungy little kid like I was, who had to wear  nurse’s shoes to church, and beg for groceries, and call him to be a high counselor, a stake president, a second counselor in the Presiding Bishopric and a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy, believe that He can do just as much for you. Please hope on until you reach understanding.  God is with you and will dry your tears.

Vaughn J. Featherstone, as quoted in “Hold on to Hope,”  p42

Parents Love & Fear.....

Although we bring personal weaknesses to our parenting that may provide real opposition for our children, we do not need to feel that all is lost. We remember that our Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning. (See Abr. 2:8.) He knew beforehand the ignorance, the failings, the confusion, and the spiritual infirmities of each of his children— including those who would become parents. Knowing all these things, the Lord prepared the gospel plan and allowed us the experiences of mortality, with certain compensations and blessings and talents available within the child or along life’s path that would help the child as he or she struggled with opposition. God provides ample opportunity to learn and recover from the opposition (for us and our loved ones). (See 2 Ne. 2:11, 15; Ether 12:27, 37.)

A Parent’s Love and Fear By M. Catherine Thomas

Anger......

Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive. Therefore the scriptural warning: “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them,” and “fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Col. 3:19, 21).

Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a choice, there is a strong warning in the proclamation “that individuals … who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable before God.”

Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again.” Ponder this resolution.

The 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants is one of our best sources to learn correct leadership principles. Perhaps the most important application of section 121 is to spouses and parents. We are to lead our families by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, kindness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned (see D&C 121:41–42).

Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998, 80

Building Our Character Through Endurance....

The thing we can do is seek for the eternal. You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder, “Why me?”

But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.

I love the scriptures because they show examples of great and noble men and women such as Abraham, Sarah, Enoch, Moses, Joseph, Emma, and Brigham. Each of them experienced adversity and sorrow that tried, fortified, and refined their characters.

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.

Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov 2008, 26–28

We Are More Divine, Than Temporal......

Sister Holland: I want to add here that all of us need to remember we are more divine than we are temporal and only the adversary would have us believe otherwise. Remember we are truly spiritual beings having a short temporal experience. If we can remember that, we can more readily call upon those spiritual gifts that are ours and that have been made powerful in us through the Atonement of Christ. I read a poet recently who wrote of the “consuming fire of Christ,” a divine flame that would burn away our sins and shortcomings, our sorrows and inadequacies. That is something I want to pass on to the next generation—“the consuming fire of Christ”—a fire set by our own love.

In that spirit may I say that one of my great wishes for this women’s conference, is that it will be a time when we stop “beating up” on ourselves and let the grace of heaven—this divine flame if you will—wash over us and make us whole—truly “holy.” Remember, no matter what you have done, you can be forgiven of it, so get the process started by forgiving yourself and let repentance lead you on to the miracle of God’s forgiveness.

Take hope. Look up. Be good to yourself, because your Heavenly Father surely wants to be good to you. Let’s let the Spirit envelope us, make us calm, and heal our souls.

What Time Is This? Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and Patricia T. Holland, Friday, May 4, 2007, at the BYU Women’s Conference

When There Is Nothing Left But God......

WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT GOD, THAT IS WHEN YOU FIND OUT THAT GOD IS ALL YOU NEED

Success of Parents....

“The measure of our success as parents, however, will not rest solely on how our children turn out.  That judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible.

“It is not uncommon for responsible parents to lose one or more of their children, for a time, to influences over which they have no control.  They agonize over rebellious sons and daughters.  They are puzzled over why they are so helpless when they have tried so hard to do what they should.  It is my conviction that those wicked influences one day will be overruled....

“We cannot overemphasize the value of temple marriage, the binding ties of the sealing ordinance, and the standards of worthiness required of them.  When parents keep the covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them” (Elder Boyd K. Packer. in Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 94 ;).

“Those born under the covenant, throughout all eternity, are the children of their parents.  Nothing except the unpardonable sin, or sin unto death, can break this tie.  If children do not sin as John says [1 John 5:16-17], ‘unto death,’ the parents may still feel after them and eventually bring them back to them again” (Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, 2:90)

Do Not Measure...

“Forgive vs. Forget. Forgiving the addict and yourself does not mean that the codependent will forget. In most cases there are many horrible memories of what the addict has done to you and what you have done to the addict in the privacy of your home. The chances of these memories quickly disappearing are not likely. Simply said, amnesia is not part of recovery. For example, adult children of alcoholics who were abused earlier in their lives have worked through the pain, and forgiven their parent, still have memories. Do not measure the healing process by how much you forget, but how much you can forgive. The healing codependent will remember the events, but having forgiven the addict and themselves, will have less emotional pain than if they had not forgiven.”

(Hold On To Hope. P. 90.)

Divine Love Is Also Conditional

“While divine love can be called perfect, infinite, enduring, and universal, it cannot correctly be characterized as unconditional. The word does not appear in the scriptures. On the other hand, many verses affirm that the higher levels of love the Father and the Son feel for each of us—and certain divine blessings stemming from that love—are conditional.

Why is divine love conditional? Because God loves us and wants us to be happy. “Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.”

Russell M. Nelson, “Divine Love,” Ensign, Feb 2003, 20